So, I'm up because the night ended with an argument that I'm sure was caused my underlying insecurity, topped up with with piled up neglect. Neglect?! Well, I'm not saying that he's neglectful ... on purpose. Maybe neglect is even a harsh word. I have a great husband, no ... an amazing husband who loves me and respects me AND is a fabulous father.
At first I started the evening off seething, but, in the spirit of less drama I've learned to just let my hubby go off to bed without dragging him out to continue and hopefully resolve the argument. Which, lands me in the position of thinker. So, I think. And, I think about what it is that I want resolved AND how I actually want it resolved. It's made me realize a number of things.
The biggest, I think, is that I believe the full realization of how much he's changed has hit me. Partly I think it's due to his time in Iraq, BUT, to be fair, a lot of it is just age. Which brings in the title of my post. I have a very serious issue with control. Especially in relationships. At the same time, there is something inherent within me that wants something more traditional. I truly am happy at home, taking care of my family. When they're happy, I feel fulfilled. I am just realizing how much more difficult that is with a child!
Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I'm realizing that my husband is taking more control. And, I'm surprised to find that there is a man that can take control of/from me and that I'm actually, somewhere deep down, happy about that. I now have to figure out how to get that controlling part of me to accept it!
2 comments:
Amy, I so understand!! I like to be "in the driver's seat" as well. Once you bring children into your family, all of the dynamics change in a huge way. We are always navigating the changes, and I'm sure will be for some time!! I really appreciated your honesty! Jules
Ohhhhh AMY do I completely understand! This is a hard thing for me as well, but it is such a relief when I can just let go. If John could just be in charge of some things in our lives, it would surely take such a burden (that I didn't realize was a burden until we had children) off my shoulders. I respect him so much more when he does take charge, so why do I have to put up such a fight at times FOR that control? We women can be complicated. ;)
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