To Whom It May Concern

Well, I should be talking about Amazing Race. But, other than the fact that I think it's a big bummer that the cute little "hick" couple got booted. My only hope is that the flight attendants go next.

So, now that we've got that out of the way LOL Here is my letter.

To those of you without children:

Let me first make clear that this is not to every person who has yet to have a child ... but, you will know when you read this if it's for you ... if you don't know what I'm talking about in this letter, than it is directed at you!!

First, let me say that very few moms expect special attention, that being said, all of our lives will be happier if you can help us out with a few things.

1. If you are a sales associate helping us out at checkout, please try to gauge our child/ren. If he/she/they are screaming, please don't take 10 minutes to comment on his/her/their smiles/chubby cheeks/outfits/etc. Please just quickly take our money and hand us our bag. We'd like to get our crabby child into a better mood in any way possible and sitting in a stroller/stuck in a vice grip in our arms is just not working. Besides, if he/she/they kick/bite/push/yell/etc at me one more time I may have to take it out on you ... absolutely nothing personal.

2. If you are our waiter/waitress. Bring crayons and bring something ... crackers/bread/a tough piece of leather STAT! Don't look at us like we're nuts while we try and contain a child/ren and look over your menu. If you really want to get a tip, attempt to distract said child/ren by being nice or send over someone who can. DO NOT put my drink in front of my child/ren, ESPECIALLY if it is hot. This should be common sense. And, on the topic of hot things, bring us an extra plate if the plate with the child/ren's food is hot. EXTRA NAPKINS! And, finally, don't make us sit around for a check especially if my child/ren is running circles around the restaurant. Bring us our food, bring the check!

3. Don't give me a dirty look because my child is screaming/running/crying in the store. Don't loudly whisper to your ugly husband that 'people like that should take their kid(s) home'. We don't have any milk/bread/eggs/laundry soap/etc so deal with it. I want to hear it even less than you want to hear it. Trust me. After I struggle to keep my child/ren in the cart (those 'seat belts' are a joke) while I try not to drop anything as I load the checkout belt and simultaneously disgard all of the things that my child/ren has/have added to the cart unbeknownst to me, I have to get into an enclosed metal box with this screamer/cryer/whiner.

4. If I am walking with a stroller down a ramp, don't walk in front of me ... especially not slowly. There is a chance that I will not be able to slow my momentum. Now if I am going up the ramp, you're probably good. Unless, of course, I've had to take a running start to get the stroller and all of my packages up said ramp. I do not take any responsibility for you being mowed down by a jogging stroller filled with a child, shopping bags and the remnants of a happy meal pushed by a woman who has not showered in two days, has a shirt on which has a smear of jelly/juice/snot/or something much worse, and is half asleep.

Here is my promise to you. If you help me out with the previous things, I will promise not to intentionally aim my child/ren at you if he/she/they begin projecting any bodily fluids.

Small print: I cannot be held responsible if previously stated projectile bodily fluids splatter/drip/leak onto any person who agrees to the 4 requests. Mother can only attempt to direct said fluids toward a person who does not agree to the requests.